The Summer Olympics have come and gone, captivating us with their drama, six-packs and overly enthusiastic parents. Rather than writing daily, I found myself glued to the nearest television, totally enthralled in the spirit of the games.
I thoroughly enjoyed watching these games, certainly much more than the Winter games -who are those people? I can’t see their faces behind all that Northface apparel and watching them makes me shiver. That being said, I couldn’t help but note that I had a very limited grasp of the rules, policies and general spectator know-how. I will share my random observances with you tonight, in my triumphant return to regular blogging!
First: Ryan Lochte is hot.
He is not built like a normal swimmer, and I mean that in the best way possible. Facially, he makes Michael Phelps look like Sloth, the basement creature in the Goonies. When the cameramen were kind enough to let me gaze into his aptly blue eyes, I found myself lost in fantasies about buying a home somewhere in the suburbs, fixing it up a la the Notebook and spending our days on our front porch sipping mint juleps…just sayin.
Swoon.
Second: Seemingly no one has ever been as miserable as the Russian gymnastics team.
Did anyone tell these girls they were participating in the pinnacle of their sport, the Olympics?! They seemed to alternate between weeping and scowling at all times. Not a very relatable bunch. It’s hard to be sympathetic or happy for a troupe that looks like they want to kill you but could have a hysterical breakdown at any moment.
Third: I never knew whether I was watching a quarterfinals, semifinals or actual event.
I cheered along like crazy wondering why the athletes weren’t more into it, then come to find out the race meant nothing but that I have to sit through the exact same race in a day or two! Maddening. I also never knew when I was watching the last lap in a swimming event. Nevermind the fact that they pretty much disclose the distance in the race title; I only recently learned that one down and back is 100 meters. I realize now that the one thing that these Olympic games have made all too clear is that I am a complete idiot. But moving on…
Fourth: The “choreography” between crazy jumps and flips in gymnastics – floor exercise especially – are the most ridiculous bunch of moves I’ve ever seen.
Just stick to the cool stuff and please stop jerking your hands around on front of your face like you’re trying to swat away a swarm of fruit flies. You look ridiculous and the music you chose is abysmal.
Fifth: Jamaica takes springing seriously.
I don’t understand why they are so much faster than all other nations combined, but it’s clear that other country’s runner need not apply. The U.S. held their own in a few events, women’s especially, but for the most part the races were a formality. It seems unfair that Usain Bolt’s last name should be so appropriate…
Sixth: I’ll never not think a diver is going to nail their head on the diving board.
I think this one speaks for itself. How close does their head come to the edge of the diving board every time?! It makes me so incredibly anxious as I am still haunted by the Greg Louganis incident. (While this clearly happened several years before my birth, I – like so many of us – watched the Lifetime Original movie chronicling the life and horrific head hitting incident of American diver Greg Louganis).
Seventh: Announcers are annoying and sound like idiots.
It seemed like the announcers’ only two activities were either telling me that a performance I was marveling at for it’s unrivaled perfection was complete shit for reasons I simply did not see or understand, or trying to convince me that “everyone” referred to an athlete by a completely ridiculous nickname that I’m sure no one has ever called anyone. The least creative was probably U.S. swimmer Allison Schmitt, allegedly monikered as”the girl they call Schmitty”. Are you joking? The most offensive and lease probable has to go to U.S. gymnast Gabi Douglas, who they claimed was known around the gym as “the Flying Squirrel”. Smh. There was also “Air Maroney” – mildly convincing given the athleticism of the gymnast in question, McKayla Maroney, but still completely lame. I wish there was some feature that would mute the announcers without blocking out the noise of the crowd…something to look into.
Eight and Final: No one I know or have ever known is at all athletic when you stack them next to Olympic athletes.
Sorry guys, we are all pathetic slobs. Sometimes I freak out just imagining the kind of dedication, focus, physical fitness and mental discipline that is demanded of these athletes. When’s the last time they has dessert? A soda? Alcohol!?! I hope they are all spending the next month or so just completely wildin’ out on snacks, booze and other such degenerate activities. Have you ever seen so many women with six-packs? Is that something that is required by the Olympic Planning Committee? I’m going to muse about it over a bowl of gelato.
As sad as I am to see the Olympics go, I am keeping cheerful knowing that football season is right around the corner and with it comes a ton of noteworthy observations and rants!
RyanWritesDaily 